I'm fine! The problem is everyone else!
Are you unconsciously creating a circle of negative confirmation?
“I’m fine. Or at least I would be if everyone else got their act together and stopped making my life so stressful!”
The expression on my client’s face betrayed her frustration.
Now this woman is intelligent, ambitious and also sincere about wanting to be the very best leader she can be. But during this particular session it was apparent she was allowing things out of her control (the behaviour of others and her interpretation of that behaviour,) to negatively impact her state.
No matter how emotionally stable, no matter how zen like our mind, external events do have an impact on us. At its very simplest, something nice nice happens and we feel good. Something unpleasant happens and we feel rubbish.
But at times, it is how we respond to the external, rather than the external itself which determines the way we end up feeling. And when I say ‘respond’ I mean our mostly unconscious assumptions and interpretations of what an external event means.
My client explained that a member of her team was being ‘deliberately disruptive and negative’ towards unavoidable organisational change.
While respecting my client’s perspective I invited her to explore possible alternatives. During the subsequent conversation, my client reflected on the individual and the situation. At first she stuck with her original assumption, but gradually she began to come up with alternative explanations for the behaviour of the team member.
As my client began to expand on possible alternative meanings for the team members behaviour, she considered that maybe the team member was fearful and just in need of reassurance, or was perhaps experiencing change fatigue due to the number of organisational re-structures they had been through, and simply needed their concerns to be heard.
It is not uncommon to respond to our interpretation of a situation or our perception of another’s motives. We are almost always responding to our interpretation / perception rather than purely to logical data. This only becomes problematic if we are unwilling or unable to consider potential alternatives. And there is sound reason why the meaning we make will often be negative.
Humans are not by nature optimistic. An inbuilt negative bias is a primitive survival mechanism. In order to ensure they did not miss any potential threats, our prehistoric ancestors, rather than looking on the bright side, had to be constantly scanning for problems. A totally optimistic cave dweller who saw the good in every person and situation would not have survived long faced with adversaries and dangerous predators.
The negative bias also becomes heightened when we are stressed. And it can then become a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy.
My revealed that she was herself feeling under pressure regarding delivering the news of the impending organisational change. Therefore she was feeling stressed and a little anxious. Which in turn possibly made her hypervigilent to any perceived negativity from the team. It’s possible that due to this meaning making, she was inadvertently contributing to creating the very outcome she was dreading.
Through her willingness to explore and reflect via the coaching process, my client felt more empowered to focus on what she did have control over, namely her own responses. By expanding on alternative meanings for the team members behaviour she felt equipped to explore ways to support the team member.
My client left the session a lot less stressed and a good deal more empowered than when she arrived.